Mom, I took a shower. First time in weeks. (I mean, I bathe, I just don't wash my hair. My butt is fine. Thanks for asking.)
She always asks me if I have. Do one good thing. Just do one good thing for yourself.
I do this thing where I act like I care about the health of my hair & say that washing it often damages it (it does. I do not care.) & I wear it up in distracting ways so you can't tell it's been weeks.
It's been weeks. That's the depression.
What does depression look like? I don't know, me? Me, with my hair up, getting compliments like a very pretty bird, because they don't know? They don't know I spray essential oils & dry shampoo on it for weeks. Weeks.
What does depression look like? I don't know, maybe me looking in the mirror & hating myself so much that I cry my eyeliner wings off 3 times every morning. I have to reapply 4 times total. 4 times.
What does depression look like? Well apparently not the picture of me smiling (nope - it does). How can I smile but be sad?! How can I hug you if I want to die?
I want to tell the people who think you can't be more than one thing at the same time: imagine that your mother died. Imagine that you had a good relationship with your mother. Okay, so it's been 4 weeks since she died. Most of the time you are not crying, but you still find time to duck into a hallway or a restroom to sob until you gag. It's like that.
Then you walk out, & you see a dude in JNCOs with a wallet chain wearing a Red Hot Chili Peppers shirt. He trips on his too-long wallet chain & as he falls, he farts, at an unbelievable decibel. You laugh. You just came back from crying, & you are in so much pain, but you laugh. I mean...Jesus, did you see that guy? Imagine he looks at you, panicked, somehow smug, & screams, "THAT WAS MY SHOE"! & You think, "well, your shoe sure does smell like a tremendous fart, bud". It's funny, so you laugh. You laugh at something because life happens all around you even though you're sad inside. Even though you want to die. People fart & it's funny & you can be more than one thing at a time because you're human.
It's like that.